


not traitors but the lights go out

by phanetixs



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Family, Gen, Introspection, making amends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 07:48:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11847138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanetixs/pseuds/phanetixs
Summary: “It’s not too late,” Phil whispers into his ear, like he’s heard Dan’s every thought to the universe, every silent wish, the extra bit of longing in his chest.“Yeah, maybe it isn’t.”Or, guilt and burgers served with a dash of family.





	not traitors but the lights go out

**Author's Note:**

> hi maybe this is good
> 
> (title from richard siken's saying your names)

 

It has become habit for Dan to tread his steps with an abstract sense of trepidation in this house.

18 and shaggy-haired, 26 and a hundred pound sweater; awake too late for pancakes to be considered breakfast, but the family sitting so comfortably on the couch. Their voices loud and teasing that Dan’s always felt his dreary outlook on the whole _existing_ part of life a misfit for the family who’s happy happy happy to be alive now, and together.

 _The Lesters_  sound a bit ominous so they’re Kath and Nigel, Martyn and Corn, Phil. Dan, too, if he’s feeling particularly optimistic— well, after eight years, it’s the kind of feeling that should come around quite often. The sense of surety.

He thinks it probably was the other way around but understands the dynamic of this Lester household. Protect one of them and they’ll protect you; always. Even when you don’t deserve their kindness and generosity, even when you’ve come _this_ close to breaking their son’s heart.

So, yes, Dan walks with a little bit of dread sometimes: a month with his Phil’s family, in a place so foreign that it’s familiar. He wonders how long this fantasy will hold out for. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because Dan doesn’t know what he’s done in his past life to deserve all this smiling, smiling, smiling, and a man to cry with and curl into, eight years past and an eternity to come.

“Dan!” 

He thinks he’s been standing there for a while, wondering where he fits in where they’re all sitting. The spot next to Phil occupied by Kathryn, Nigel next to her. Pancakes and Real Housewives on the telly. 

“We’ve got some extra if you fancy it,” Martyn says. “Not for long, though, I suspect,” when Phil looks all guilty at his empty plate. Dan thinks he’s eaten three, no, four. Phil and his unusually big appetite for all things American.

“Yeah, I’ll just.” He points vaguely at the kitchen and they all hum in reply. Cornelia on the stool next to Martyn, trying to pop a grape into his mouth.

“Annnd she shoots,” he hears Nigel say in the distance, a short pause and Dan turns on the kettle, “and she scores! Ten points to Gryffindor!” 

More laughs and cheering and Dan wonders where it went wrong with his family. Not wrong, per se, but _different_. He stirs his coffee a bit petulantly and tries to recall the last time they’d joked around, the last time he went back just to _see_ them; and not for some hour-long layover before some class reunion or before starting the biggest tour of his life.

Dan doesn’t remember the last time he told them he loves them.

“Hey.” It’s Phil, the pancake fanatic; two fresh ones on his plate. “Y’ok?” Dan realises absently that he’s been staring rather intensely at the light swirl of his Nescafé. 

“Yeah, nothing.” A breath. “It’s just—“ He trails off because he doesn’t quite know what to say, really. _I’m jealous of your family_ or _I don't fit in._

He resolves to saying nothing and stares out at the Sunny Disposition of Florida, Baby. They’ve been here for two weeks already but haven’t done much exploring. He’s still reeling from the Bahamas, it feels like.

“Just?” Phil prompts because he knows how hard it is sometimes to get through to Dan, to decipher the meaning behind the things he says even if half of them are utter crap. Mindless fodder. Phil’s been willing to do the dirty work for years. 

Dan’s so lucky.

“Nothing, Phil, really. Come on, the housewives don’t wait for _none’uf y’all bishes_ ,” and kisses him on the cheek, leads him to the couch. Where he stands a bit awkwardly when there isn’t _actually_ room for him. For his lanky self; Insecure and Worried but so in love that it hurts sometimes. 

But _Phil—_ Phil makes room; the rest of the family squishing themselves inwards; letting Dan fold awkwardly against him. “I love you,” he whispers, kissing Dan on the side of his forehead. 

This feels like a metaphor for something. 

 

-

 

They have a picnic on one of the days. Florida heat and a large campsite table in their backyard. Phil argues it isn’t really much of a picnic if you don’t  leave the house, and Dan shushes him, “sedentary lifestyle, remember?”

“Smart boy,” Kathryn compliments and Dan flushes _so_ red in embarrassment. Though, he guesses it’s always nice to note that the people he’s tried (and is trying, will continue to try) to impress actually maybe like him about _fifteen_ percent. Give or take. 

“See, Mum, I got the best,” Phil replies and Dan thinks about how open Phil’s always been about their relationship. How open he is in _private_ , which is a weird oxymoron. How he talks about how smitten he was from the very beginning, how he told Kath early on about his “boy—um, friend, like boyfriend, I think?” from the Internet.

They regale stories of Phil’s nervousness to meet him, how they knew to stay out of the way because the boy sounded special, and they understood so well the glint in his eye. Even then— _especially_ then.

Dan hadn’t told his parents properly till they’d been dating two years.

“A burger for your thoughts?” Martyn asks, brandishing a delicious looking—slightly lopsided— burger as advertised. The bottom of the paper plate slightly oily as he takes it from Martyn. Grins at the little smiley face of ketchup on the top bun. 

“Thought you were looking kind of, dunno, sad, so I—“ 

“No, no, not sad,” he tries to clarify, though, it’s a bit obvious at this point, “just thinking.” He looks at the burger, all shiny under the Sun. “Thank you, though, for _everything_ , Mar.”

Martyn blanches. “Wait, no, _shit_. Dan. _Dan._ Are you going to break it with Phil? Is this what—“ He lowers his voice and sneaks a peek at where the others are joking by the pool, grip on his plate tight now like he’s holding anger in.

Dan shakes his head vehemently, “No, that’s—“

“Because you know that I _know_ karate and stuff so like— no, stop smiling, I’m _serious._ So, like, if you’re going to do anything to my baby brother, I know where you live and stuff, so.”

Dan giggles under his breath—Martyn glares even more—and pats the back of his hand. “ _Cute_ , really. Couldn’t be less intimidating! And anyway, I vaguely remember you saying the same thing ages ago?” 

He looks away when Martyn snorts.

“And it’s not _that._ Never like that. Y’know I’d do anything for Phil.”

Some tension seeps out of Martyn’s shoulders but Dan can feel the residual tension devolve into worry directed at him now. He bumps against Dan’s shoulder that is closest to him when he sits, cross-legged. 

“What’s the matter then?” he asks when the silence stretches on the side of _having a crisis_ long. Dan forgets how Martyn knows him better than his own brother sometimes.

“How do you think Corn feels about hanging out with your family?” Dan asks, after a bit. Though he knows somewhat the answer to that: red hair flopping, beaming smile at Nigel. Martyn smiles when he hears, turns to look at the beautiful lady in question.

He sighs. “Honestly? I think she fancies my family more than she fancies me.” 

Dan smiles. “And you’re—you’re ok, uh, with her hanging out with your family more than she does with hers?” The question doesn’t make much sense because he’s projecting in the widest manner, but Martyn seems to get the gist of it. 

“Um, I know yo— _she’s_ had problems with her own family,” he’s not talking about Cornelia anymore, “but, I think if she _didn’t_ want to hang out with my family, she wouldn’t be here.” 

Dan nods. 

“Dunno, she seems to be having loads of fun,” he says. Like it’s a bad thing and Martyn frowns.

“Is that a bad thing?”

Dan shrugs. Martyn starts again.

“From what I know, _she_ seems to be a really cool person, with of her strangely dark aesthetic paired and like the least intimidating curly hair, and I know Mum and Dad really like _her_ ,” Martyn looks Dan square in the face, “so yeah, she might like visiting with me but I know for a _fact_ the rest of us really want her— oh fuck it— _you_ here.”

Martyn smiles like the Sun breaking through the clouds on a rainy morning. They have the same laugh, the whole family does, and being here feels an awful lot like being _home._

“Phil could do better than me, and, like— your entire _family_ could, y’know?” They look again at the rest of the clan, trading fat sausages on the grill.

“Ok, sure, but you guys have been together for years and years. Like Phil’s dealt with your insecurities and you’ve done the same with his. That whole year of fighting back then couldn’t have been easy on the both of you.” 

Martyn breezily takes a bite out of his burger like he’d just been talking about the weather, plain as day.

“And anyway, it’s not like Phil’s the Eligible Bachelor of Youtube or anything so honestly, you could’ve done better as well. But you’re here.” Dan looks at him. “With _us_ , who love you, if that hadn’t been obvious before.”

Dan rolls his eyes. 

“My family is just. Bad. At communicating and stuff, so all this lovey-ness has been a real page-turner for me, y’know, Mar?” There’s a slight breeze picking up now and Phil’s making his way to them. “I just. Thanks, I’m really happy to be here.”

Martyn pats his knee and goes off to his girl. Phil sits down by him. 

“You feeling better?” Phil bites off a giant chunk of his burger and Dan doesn’t even care.

“Much.”

 

-

 

There’s a toast somewhere along the way, where the sky turns dark and the food’s all gone and there’s only cheap booze left for dinner. 

Nigel throws his arm around Dan and lifts his cup. “To family! This one and to all the in-laws that’ll be in the mix sometime soon, hopefully—" he side eyes Martyn and Phil and it’s hilarious. “—and, and I just want to say that family is the most important thing to us so it’s jolly nice to see our sons so content with their new ones."

His grip tightens on Dan's shoulder for a bit before he lets him go.

Phil loops an arm around Dan’s waist. 

Dan thinks about how he wished for this a lot; late night, parents arguing in the living room, Dan pretending not to care with his headphones on. He wished for this: for family and love and laughter, and it’s weird for it to come in the form of someone else’s family but he’s thankful all the same.

“It’s not too late,” Phil whispers into his ear, like he’s heard Dan’s every thought to the universe, every silent wish, the extra bit of longing in his chest.

“Yeah, maybe it isn’t.”

 

-

 

Later, Dan’s sitting on the couch, watching the last part of some anime that’s on. Phil’s gone to edit something and Dan’s nursing a cup of coffee. A mistake because he’ll be awake too long and inevitably miss the hiking he begrudgingly agreed to in the morning.

He used to really like hiking. When his Dad brought him, early morning Wokingham sun greeting them as they reached the peak of this cool hill overlooking the rest of the city.

He’s dialling the number sooner than he realises.

“Mum?” 

It keeps ringing, and Dan’s almost forgotten it’s almost half six back home so he lets it ring till voicemail.

“Mum, ah, hi. I’m in Florida now—with Phil, who says hi btw—and dunno, thought about you and dad today. Remember the hiking we used to do back at Tulip Hill? Which is a pretty crap name because like Dad and I tried looking once. And no tulips. So, um, right, tell everyone I miss them and I’ll visit soon. Lov—"

The thirty second beep goes off and Dan’s message is cut short but that’s ok.

It’s a start.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm in the middle of v stressful exams currently so thought i'd take a day off to write snippets of something that coouuld be something bigger in the future, if you guys are into that! 
> 
> drop me a comment below if you liked this! any thoughts would be great to hear :) i'm on twitter and tumblr @phanetixs


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